Dying Trumps Procrastination
by CoolnRainy
Summary: This is my piece surrounding IM2 ... kind of following on from Bits and Pieces, but with a very different format.


**A/N: **So this is my little piece surrounding IM2 … It follows on from Bits and Pieces, sort of, but it's a very different format as the whole thing is written from Tony's POV. Hope you enjoy it :-)

**Disclaimer:** Iron Man storylines and characters are not mine, but Marvel's. Yes, I know that.

**Dying Trumps Procrastination**

Right, well the thing about dying is that suddenly you don't have time anymore. It's a great counteraction to procrastination. And I don't mean like procrastinating doing the dishes or whatever, but more like putting off thinking about something you don't really want to think about. Okay, I don't know if that was clear. Let me try again.

I don't think I would have come to terms with being in love with Pepper as quickly as I did if it weren't for those little numbers on my palladium toxicity monitor steadily going up. On the downside, though, I was dying, which manifested (for me, anyway) in flat out denial. Pretending to myself and to everyone around me that I was far from dying was the only way I could handle the situation at all.

So I kind of spent that time swinging dramatically between the two states of being. Truth and denial.

And as a result, things just span around uselessly.

x x x

I remember when I first began to realise my situation. I mean, I knew about the side effects of palladium from the get-go, obviously. I drank my gross chlorophyll every day, which worked pretty well. Until it became clear that the palladium levels in my body were increasing faster than my body could eliminate the stuff. Slowly, but surely, I realised that the levels were slightly higher day after day.

That was a little while after I became "Iron Man".

Okay, so I was still a little bit on that high and time kind of passed faster than it should have before the reality kicked in. I was Iron Man, sure, but not for long. I took to looking for replacements for palladium, but I looked erratically. That was the denial thing. I would look, then I would begin to feel panicky, and then I would avoid the whole thing for several days before trying again.

In the meantime, I dedicated myself completely to the Expo. In fact, I became more and more dedicated because, as a small part of me had begun to realise, I had precious little time to advance my legacy. Little time to leave the world with something good. The Expo was the best place for that, a place for development and new ideas, for finding directions, innovations, new bright minds … and all that kind of idealistic junk that I actually sort of believe in these days.

It was during that time that my awareness kicked in properly. Probably because I was actually getting sick. The symptoms were more obvious and I needed more and more chlorophyll to be able to function. It was damn scary and every time I began to feel really afraid, I would do something good. Like donate money to someone or come up with a new facet for the Expo. That's how I channelled my fear.

Then I would go into denial slash anger at the world and do something stupid and reckless. I don't know why. The rush made me feel more alive. Plus, you know, I was dying anyway. It was like I was yelling at the universe, daring it to hurt me. I was dying already, so who cared? Better to die from doing something fun than from sitting around and watching my blood kill me from the inside.

Maybe I was just being a coward.

x x x

Then there was the whole Pepper thing.

I guess it would help to try and figure out when, exactly, I consciously decided that I was in love with her. I mean, I sort of was for a long time. But … you know, love, relationships, commitment … Not my thing. Not in the moment, anyway. It only began to take over after my outlook on life changed. After Afghanistan, I mean. I kind of had to face how much she meant to me, because I'd had all that time without her. Then I came home, and she was all I had.

You know, then Obadiah was all going to kill her. That wasn't a small amount of panic. No way would I have been able to move to get my old arc reactor in that moment if it weren't for my panic for her. I just couldn't let her die. The intensity of that whole situation was too much. My feelings for her were powered up completely.

I even, although I admit I didn't notice it at first, lost interest in sleeping with other women. I began to face the fact that I wanted her, and no-one else. Then I was dying, and I realised that I wanted her completely, forever, only her, all that. Out of nowhere, I was this guy wanting to commit to someone that I was hopelessly in love with. I began to crave her.

Look, I don't respond fantastically to feeling helpless. And Pepper added to that feeling, because I was all helplessly in love with her as well as helplessly facing my impending demise.

I mean, I was lashing out at everybody all the time. I was really angry and afraid and all I could do was punish the people who had done nothing wrong. Not a great side to me, I'll admit. The thing with Pepper was that I also so desperately wanted to be closer to her. That feeling came in weird blobs, where I would go from storming around making her life difficult to suddenly being as kind to her as I could.

She spent most of the time regarding me with general exasperation no matter what mood I was in, though. Fair enough. How was she supposed to know that I was dying? How was she supposed to know that I had fallen in love with her? Well, I wasn't exactly confiding in her. Which was also a bit strange for me. She was always the person who knew everything about me. And on a base level, we had certainly grown closer over the previous months.

I guess I was terrified of hurting her properly. So, instead, I kind of tried to make her care less about me. And then I would try to make her care more. I don't know what I was doing. I don't know what I was thinking. I don't know what I wanted from her. I don't know how she put up with it.

x x x

The Expo started. Jarvis had run out of options for me.

Yeah, okay, so then I had to face the whole situation head on. Because I didn't have enough to distract me and I didn't have hope anymore. Didn't mean I'd lost my reckless angry determination to live what I had left as best I could. But it did mean I had to focus on the things that mattered. I had to make real arrangements for my death.

My death.

God, that was scary. I responded to that new bout of fear by donating my modern art collection and, once that was out of the way, I began to wonder what would happen to my company when I was gone. Who would take care of it? Run it effectively? And, most importantly, maintain _my_ vision for it? The obvious solution presented itself very soon afterwards. Pepper. I mean, who else, I ask you? She practically ran it half the time anyway.

And I trusted her.

x x x

I liked telling her.

I liked making her happy.

I liked letting her know how much I trust her.

I did not like that I was dying and that I wasn't kissing her.

x x x

Half the things I'm telling you here are things I'm ashamed to admit. So be prepared. I'm not bragging, I'm just … telling.

So when I hired Natalie Rushman (or Natasha Romanoff, but I don't want to talk about that), the main purpose was to make Pepper jealous. That's all I wanted. I wanted to see if she wanted me, could be jealous for _me_. And, since I had slept with plenty of women without her batting an eyelash, the only way I could come up with was to hire a truly gorgeous woman in her place as my new personal assistant.

Okay, okay, I was a little intrigued by Natalie … She was weird. Exotic, almost. And that was the very reason I knew that she might be the only one to trigger the potential jealousy in Pepper. It needed to be someone … different.

Pepper'll probably deny it if you ever ask her, but I swear to God it worked. And that made me happy. Well, no, it made me smug. I greatly enjoyed witnessing her reaction to my hiring Natalie. There we were, in Monaco, surrounded by the world and the press, standing together like I always wanted, and I got to watch Ms Potts bristle.

With jealousy, I swear it.

x x x

Ah, Monaco.

Good old Monaco. I love that place, you know. It's always a fun trip and, looking back, it's always been the trip where Pepper and I get to have the most fun together. And with Rhodey, although he didn't like me this last time and he didn't join us. It's a time I associate with friends.

Usually. This time was about sticking it to the universe again. Come and get me. All that, I don't need to go over that again. The universe, though, was more pissy about it than I had originally thought, because that's when Vanko presented himself to my life. I can't say I want to talk much about him either. That jerk broke my carefully practised denial.

I will say that that's the first time I've ever witnessed Pepper truly lose her temper. She was so scared for me, I think she almost killed me herself.

The point is that my unpleasant encounter with Vanko had me miserable as all hell. Because when I almost died at his hand, I was terrified. I fought him so hard. I fought to survive, and I did. But for what? So that I could die just a couple of weeks later? Die while everyone doubted me, who I am, all the good I wanted to leave the world with?

Die without even telling Pepper what she meant to me?

x x x

Poor Pepper. I drove her up the wall all the time, acted like an idiot, teased her and annoyed her, just so that I could constantly have something to say to her that wasn't the stuff I should have been saying. Then I dumped the responsibility of my company on her while I resolutely tried to run it into the ground.

And then, out of nowhere, I ran out of stuff to distract myself with. Vanko took the last of my vigour and I was left with nothing but my fear and misery and newfound feelings for Pepper. And I wanted her to know that, but she was still trying to clean up my mess.

So we're on my plane and I'm so depressed, my chest actually hurts. And for lack of anything better to distract me, I chose that my moment to try my skills at cooking for the first time. In an aeroplane kitchen. Probably wouldn't have made a difference whichever kitchen I was in, but I will say that I got so distracted that I screwed up over and over again. Kept burning the damn things while I was staring into space. The one I brought out to her was the best of them all and that took me three hours.

Oh, yes. Because I cooked it for her. I … I don't know why, exactly, I just … I needed to do something nice for her. Anything at all. Because in that moment, I was miserable and lost and in love with her. And already, piles of difficulties had hit her because of my Vanko encounter the previous day and it was all my fault.

She didn't deserve it.

She deserved something from me.

So I thought I'd make her an omelette.

Then I stepped out there and she asked me what I was keeping from her. I think that's what made everything come tumbling down in the end. Suddenly all I wanted was her. Just Pepper. I wanted her and me far far away from the real world. I wanted to live out the last days of my life with her as close as possible, the world be damned.

And that's what I would have done. I would have whipped her off to Venice, confessed everything and then died slowly, but not alone. I would have done it. I made up my mind. But she … she didn't know, of course. She was still fixing and trying and being the CEO I wanted her to be. So she said no and my courage failed me.

x x x

"Not everyone runs on batteries, Tony."

It made me smile and made my heart break at exactly the same time.

The little quip and that warm smile … they were why I loved her.

She was so tantalisingly close, but so far away. So different. She was going to live a long healthy life. I was slipping away. I had no business destroying her now.

I think that was the absolute low point.

Uh, emotionally, I mean.

In action, my low point came with my birthday party.

x x x

Again, not my proudest moment. I'm not sure … argh … I hate this part. Where I have to remember what I became that night. I almost lost everything. Pepper, Rhodey, my progress, my legacy, my whole new life … I almost destroyed it all, because I was _so_ angry. And scared and terribly miserable.

That was the night I tried to get rid of everything that mattered.

Psychologically, I can only guess why. Was I rebelling against the world and my death, letting loose completely because I had nothing to lose? Or was I trying to take away everything I had to live for so that dying wouldn't be so bad? Who knows? I haven't the slightest idea. I don't remember much of that night anyway.

I remember slurring at Pepper that I loved her and then demanding a smooch. Of course, I was staggering drunk and in front of a very large crowd of people, so I doubt any of it came across as particularly sincere. Then I had a fight, a true dangerous fight, with Rhodey. My only other friend and I swear to God, in that moment, he hated me. I lost him that night.

I came mere millimetres from losing Pepper that night, too.

But I didn't quite, because she's Pepper, and against all better judgement from pretty much anyone, she still stands by me. Even if she's too angry and hurt to speak to me.

x x x

I found that out the next day. After I'd been sobered up by the unpleasant presence of Nick Fury and Agent Coulsen and _Natasha Romanoff_. No, I still don't want to talk about her. Anyway, suddenly they were telling me that there was an answer and that I could live and that my dad loved me.

Now, look here, I'm not the kind of guy to walk around complaining about my daddy issues. We all have parent related issues. And, hello, I'm the legendary boy genius son of the legendary Howard Stark, the founder of the legendary Stark Industries and then I had to take over after my parents died an early death. And I barely even liked my dad.

So yeah, you bet I have daddy issues. You bet that half my reckless behaviour comes from rebelling against having to take care of his company and his legacy, when he didn't do much in my life except demand more, dismiss me and drink too much. Back when I still idolised my dad, it made me hate myself. When I stopped, it made me hate him.

The point is that something became resolute when he looked out of that faded projector and informed me that I was his greatest creation. It wasn't so much a sudden realisation that I'm a good guy after all because my dad said so … it was more a decision to be a good guy because somehow that mess that I was descended from had managed to be a good guy.

I could live up to him because suddenly I no longer hated him. Suddenly I no longer wanted to rebel against him. Against the world. Against the things I wanted the most.

x x x

I digress somewhat.

I was leading up to Pepper, who I suddenly needed to see again. I needed to speak to her, for the first time in months, as a whole person. And the first time since I met her as … a true person. I wanted to tell her everything, about how I felt and what I was going through and about Fury and about my dad … I just wanted to talk to her.

I just wanted to let myself love her, at long last.

Sadly, the visit wasn't as successful as I had hoped. I arrived and there she was, arguing on the phone about the suit Rhodey had taken from me, fighting them, fighting him for me even though she should probably have moved herself over to his camp by now. See? Always standing by me, even now.

I sat down and tried to tell her how I felt about her, but she was too angry. I should have known at once that she was too angry to talk about this. But I was getting desperate and I was short on time and she didn't know that, so I pushed on until she snapped. She still had no idea what I was trying to tell her and I don't think she cared.

And then we were interrupted by _Natasha Romanoff_ – God, I hated her in that moment – and Happy and life, and she stalked out without looking at me again. It hurt me, I won't lie to you. I had no right to be hurt after all the hurt I had caused her, but I was hurt all the same.

But I can tell you this. My decision had been made. This was it. Fights or not, anger or not, dying or not, I was going to tell Pepper how I felt. I was going to take that last step in my new life's direction. My days of rebelling were over and my days of living my own life had begun.

And she was, and always will be, a part of that life.

x x x

Which, quite frankly, is why I kissed her the next time I saw her.

I wasn't interested in wasting more time or discussing anything or giving the situation the opportunity to slip away again. I was going to get straight to the point and kiss her. Not that I _planned_ for it to be right after I saved her in the nick of time from being blown up and after I had flown her onto the roof of a building with a rather spectacular view of the city.

But it did, coincidentally, kind of create an ideal romantic moment.

Which she didn't notice, of course. There she was, fretting and stressing and quitting her role as CEO at me and all I remember was thinking about how amazing she was, and how amazing she always had been and how much I had screwed up her life recently.

So I told her that, sort of.

She was really surprised. I hated that she was surprised. I instantly swore to myself that I would make her life easier instead of harder from then on. Meanwhile, she was busy telling me how difficult I was.

I loved it. Really. I've always loved arguing with her. And then I did it. I kissed her.

It wasn't even a decision. It was just an impulse which, at long last, I didn't suppress.

And she kissed me _back_ and I felt her hands in my hair and they were kind of hesitant and shy and the stupid suit was in the way and I was kissing her and it was perfect. Completely perfect. Only topped by her whispered, "No, it's not weird."

I can't describe what I felt then, the moment she accepted me. It was like a mixture of disbelief and that childhood magical feeling of Christmas. I don't even remember what I said to her because I was just too busy feeling that feeling.

Then Rhodey completely ruined the moment.

x x x

It doesn't matter, though. The point is that I am finally the guy I'm supposed to be. And, even though Pepper is still outraged at the fact that I was dying, I'm not. Because who knows how long it would have taken me to take this step if I hadn't been.

**FIN**

**A/N: **I don't usually write in the first person, and I'll admit it was a bit of a challenge. I hope I got Tony's voice right. Anyway, I really wrote this because his state of mind in the second movie fascinated me completely and I wanted to try and figure it out. Thanks for reading … I'd love to hear what you think.


End file.
